i want to live
by ImagineYourself64
Summary: "I want to live." For what? his brain asks him, riddled with bitterness. But the answer is already sliding the blade across the floor to him. For Dean. Destiel. s09e06: Heaven Can't Wait. Fluff and angst.


The vessel collapsed in front of Cas, the bright light of Ephraim's death still burning his eyes. He dropped the blade and breathed out a sigh, shutting his lids in an effort to hide from himself another death by his hands. It was that or die, he knew, he tried to convince himself.

"Cas?"

Dean's voice broke the awful silence that had descended upon them and cut through Castiel's vision. Or maybe that was his face, swimming blearily as Cas realized he'd opened his eyes again. There was a tense feeling around his hands and the one he'd cut was stinging. He looked down and saw the hunter's hands curled around him.

"You okay?"

Abruptly, Cas stood, touching his temple as blood pounded in his ears for a few seconds. "We need to hide the body," he told Dean, glancing at the baby, somehow still quiet through the commotion.

"I'll, uh… I'll see if there's anything around to wrap him up in." Dean moved away as Cas went to the kitchen, methodically turning on the water and watching as it ran pink with the blood on his hands.

He wished the water could wash away all the blood that couldn't be seen, too. All his brothers and sister that he'd—

"Cas."

He jumped and turned around, surprised at how close Dean was to him. They never really did agree on personal space. "I'm fine," he lied, shutting off the water and gently drying his injured hand with a paper towel from the counter.

"I found a tarp. Hopefully your girlfriend won't miss it." Dean nodded with his head at a pile of blue sitting in the middle of the room.

"She's not my girlfriend. I… misunderstood her invitation."

"No kidding. Babysitting." Dean laughed, but the half-smile on his lips looked fake.

"She has a fever," Cas said suddenly, looking at Nora's daughter again.

Dean followed his gaze before sighing slightly and starting to rifle through all the kitchen cupboards until he found a small box filled with various bottles. He pulled one out that was filled with a funny colored liquid and read the label before uncapping it and measuring out a dose, leaving it on the counter. Cas watched as Dean went to the crib, carefully lifting out the baby girl and cradling her to his chest. He went back to the kitchen and picked up the capful of medicine, murmuring softly to the child before easily getting her to swallow it, rocking her for a few moments.

"Here, take her," Dean told him, looking up at Cas, who'd been staring with wide, amazed eyes. "Cas."

"Sorry," Castiel muttered, gaze turning to the little girl as he took her and mimicked how the hunter had held her.

"She'll be fine." Dean's tone was reassuring, and his eyes stayed on Cas for a moment longer than they needed to, but he didn't seem to care. Finally, Dean turned away to meddle with the tarp before hauling the body onto it and wrapping it tight, tying a length of rope around to keep it closed. He handled the dead body without finesse, using his legs to drag it towards the back door and out. Cas didn't have to ask to know that Dean was stowing him in the trunk of the Impala to take care of later.

Cas looked down at the baby in his arms. Her big eyes were bright and staring at the ceiling. If he hadn't killed Ephraim… would she still be on this earth? _He_ wouldn't be. And he wouldn't have ever seen Dean holding her, gentle and sweet like she was a precious treasure. He wondered if Dean thought of Sam when he held the child.

_I want to live…_

This. This was what he wanted to live for.

The baby's eyes then closed, her breathing slowed, and Cas placed her in her bed, pausing to examine her small features as the door opened and Dean reentered. "She's beautiful, isn't she," Castiel said more than asked.

Dean moved to stand beside him. "Yeah, she is." They watched her quietly, and Cas' hand suddenly found itself twined with Dean's.

"Thank you," Cas told him, turning to look at the hunter's profile. Cas thought suddenly about the girls in movies who thank their saviors with a kiss on the cheek, or a hug, or a proclamation of love. While Dean had saved him many times, he wished to give the man at least something this time. The former angel picked the first option, thinking it had the best chance of going over well with Dean. But as he leaned in, mouth brushing the Winchester's stubble, Dean turned his head and met him with a hard, real kiss.

It was Castiel who broke away first. "Dean…" he whispered, unsure of what to say.

The hunter blinked at him before cupping a hand around the back of his neck and planting a searing kiss on his mouth, tongue sliding on the seam of Cas' lips as he silently asked permission. Cas answered with his hands, lightly pulling Dean's body to his. The kiss tasted like faint beer and French fries and humanity; it smelled like the Impala and dead body and pure, simple _Dean_. A noise rumbled beneath Dean's kiss, starting deep in Cas' throat and ending up swallowed by Dean's languid tongue as it all but suffocated Cas in the essence of hunter.

It was a slow kiss, hot and heavy with a dash of dirty as Dean tugged Castiel's head by his hair. Their hips were flush, and Cas unconsciously cornered the other man against the side of the crib. He ran his hands over Dean's chest, his sides, pushed a knee between his legs, felt his cock growing thick and half-hard below his belt.

Yes. This was what he wanted to live for, too.

It had been a while since he'd kissed anyone, but Cas didn't think any other kiss in his life had ever felt so sexy and raw as Dean's did. Their mouths battled and their hips argued. They pushed into each other with fistfuls of hair and clothing. Cas felt the heady rush of blood through his body and pulsing hot where he was pressed up against Dean's answering hardness under his jeans.

"Cas…" the hunter whined, his voice a few shades deeper than usual. The former angel's hands slid under the hem of Dean's shirt, fingertips teasing the skin over his ribs, the base of his spine, the sides of his hips. Dean moaned and Cas kissed his jaw, biting lightly.

They suddenly froze as the baby made a gurgling noise behind them. Dean looked over his shoulder to see her still sleeping, but he sagged and leaned his forehead against Cas', the mood effectively ruined. He chuckled, hands resting on Cas' hips. "Damn," he whispered.

Castiel kissed him chastely, moving back slightly and trying to calm his pounding heartbeat and heavy breaths. "Yeah," he replied. They heard a noise by the front door and Dean looked over, recognizing the sound of a key in a lock.

"Your girlfriend's home. I'll be outside." Cas was about to say something to refute Dean's statement, but the look on the hunter's face told him he didn't need to. He kissed Dean again before letting him go, hearing him slip out the back door just before Nora entered.

"Steve? Are you alright? You sounded worried on the phone so I rushed back and…"

"Sorry, Nora. I overreacted."

"Are you sure?" Nora took a few steps closer to him, concern in her eyes.

"I'm fine." Cas spared a tiny smile, glancing at the door when he faintly heard the familiar squeak of metal that signified Dean getting into the Impala. "Everything is fine."


End file.
